The Player Insanity Hierarchy

During my days as a clubhouse attendant at Winthrop University, I came up with a hierarchy of which baseball players were most likely to be nutjobs based on their throwing arm and position on the field:

1. Left-Handed Relievers

Thank god these guys found baseball, because without it they would all surely be serial killers. Something’s always off with lefties out of the ‘pen: they have scoliosis, one leg’s longer than the other, they have a chipped tooth, a broken nose— something. They either throw 75 mph or 97 mph. There’s no in-between. If you need someone to have your back in a bar fight or hook you up with some coke in bumfuck Ohio, a lefty reliever is your man. Other than that, keep your distance. They make their living through deceptiveness, so don’t trust ‘em.

2. Right-Handed Relievers

These guys look normal (they’re less likely to have a glass eye than a lefty reliever) but inside they’re maniacs. They probably throw 100 mph, have a confederate flag on their truck, and eat chewing tobacco by the handful like it’s Chex Mix. They have an excuse for everything (the ump, the weather, traffic, etc.), and they love talking about banging your sister. Word of warning: don’t let them anywhere near any member of your family, let alone your sister.

3. Catchers

These guys are anomalies, because they have to be exactly as smart as they are dumb. Catchers call the game for the pitcher, they command the infield, and they keep watch over every baserunner. That takes some intelligence. At the same time, however, they have to disregard their own wellbeing enough to take foul balls to the face, chest, and nuts every day.

Much like a gorilla that has been taught sign language by its zookeepers, these gentle giants are smarter and more refined than they look. They command a lot of power on a baseball field: they know the umps better than anyone else, they’re closer to the other team’s batters than anyone else, and they have an almost psychic, motherly bond with their pitchers.

But, again, you can’t just stick some egghead socialite back there and let him politic all day. You need someone who can take a foul tip to the cock, walk it off, then crouch behind the dish and ask the batter if he knows any good steakhouses in town. These guys are equally as likely to break up a fight as they are to start one. Make friends with as many catchers as you can and you’ll always have a loyal group of brilliant idiots by your side.

4. Left-Handed Starters

These guys need to have staying power, and that changes everything. Think about it: a lefty out of the ‘pen only needs to laser focus his craziness for a few pitches. Any nutjob can do that. Lefty starters, on the other hand, need to do it for 5+ innings. They can’t be as insane as a lefty reliever—the laws of physics just wouldn’t allow that much craziness to last for that many innings.

But here’s the thing: left-handed people in general are born with a default level of quirkiness. This is probably just a natural side effect of seeing the world as nothing but a series of scissors, spiral notebooks, and golf clubs that weren’t made with you in mind. Other than a few pegged batters every month or so, and a hot-foot clubhouse prank here and there (lighting someone’s shoes on fire), these guys hover around relatively safe levels of insanity.

5. Right-Handed Starters

Now we’re getting into the “normal guys” territory. Right- handed starters are goddamn boy scouts compared to the rest of the list. They shake the umpire’s hand before the game and say shit like, “Thanks, Chris.”

These guys are nerds, and they know it. They’ve been with the same woman since freshman year of college, and in the off season they take pictures at the beach with a white button up shirt and leather sandals. They’ll use the connections they made during their playing career to build another successful career after baseball. Watch out for these guys. Not because they’re insane, but just because they’re insanely boring.

6. Every Other Position

You might have a nutjob here or there in other positions, but it’s not worth differentiating by position anymore. You’re as likely to have a crazy shortstop as you are a crazy right fielder. Of course there’ll be exceptions that make you say, “Wait, that first baseman is way more insane than that lefty reliever,” and you may be right. But we’re talking broad strokes here. And broad strokes, every other position is too hard to generalize in terms of craziness.